The Wait

It's been a year and a half since I updated this blog, and I wish I were doing so under better circumstances.

Well, things are actually pretty great. Pyper turns two next month (how did that happen??), Jordan got a great job and we moved to the beach, I've graduated college, and we are expecting baby girl number two!

My pregnancy has really been pretty easy. I can't complain a whole lot. There have been complications until recently.

Throughout the pregnancy I've little feelings here and there that something wasn't quite right. I tried to push those thoughts aside as I am definitely a worrier and figured they were all in my head. What mother doesn't worry from time to time about the health of their unborn baby?
Turns out these feelings may have been small whisperings from the Spirit. I've stumbled across blogs of moms who have suffered heartache due to late term miscarriages, stillborns, and babies who don't live long after birth due to health problems. When reading these blogs (which I did not set out to find) I felt as though I were being prepared for something. I told Jordan this a few times and we both hoped that it was just my worrying nature getting to me again.

Last Thursday, the 8th of January, we went to my 20 week ultrasound. I asked Jordan to be there in part because of these feelings. I was worried about getting bad news and being alone. We took Pyper so that she could see her sister, hoping it was going to be a good appointment.

Where we live there's one perinatologist who performs the mid pregnancy ultrasounds. He's very well respected in the community and we felt very comfortable with him. He actually performed the ultrasound himself instead of having a tech do it and then read the results. He found a few concerning issues:

1. Mckenzie's head is slightly deformed. Her skull is clover leaf shaped right now which could mean the bones are fusing too early. However, he did see at least two spots where the bones are clearly not fused so that's a good sign. It's entirely possible that her head is just in a wonky shape as it continues to form.

2. Her stomach was completely empty. This could mean that there's a hole, blockage, or disconnect between her esophagus and stomach. Not good. It could also mean that the timing was just bad and she had literally  just gone to the bathroom.

3. Her heart valves appear to be returning blood on the wrong side. I'm not entirely sure of what this means exactly, but it would require heart surgery at birth. Yikes.

4. To top it all off, she measured two weeks behind. The due date I have is based off of an early ultrasound done so it's pretty accurate.

All of these combined made the doctor worry about a possible defect at the chromosomal level. He offered us three things- do nothing and wait for birth to see her condition (healthy or otherwise), do a blood test would tell us if she had certain problems such as spina bifida, Down's syndrome, etc. or to do an amniocentesis which would tell us if she has virtually any genetic defects.

I always told myself I wouldn't do an amniocentesis because they do carry a risk of miscarriage and the risk wasn't worth it to me. Well, when you're faced with information like this, things change. Jordan and I decided together that we would like to be prepared as possible should she have health problems.

I can't begin to describe my fear as I signed the consent form for the amnio. I was giving this doctor permission to poke a needle into my baby's world. Her life could end in an instant because of this decision. It took me several attempts to be able to sign the paper through tear filled eyes.

It hurt. A lot. They numbed me but I felt all the pressure of the needle and the tube going in. I hated every single second. It didn't last long, but it was too long for me. I just wanted it to be over and to have the results. Too bad the results take 10-14 days to get.

The specialist also had me make an appointment with a neonatal cardiologist to check out her heart. This doctor would be performing any surgery she needed at birth. If she does need surgery it would mean delivering at UCLA, as that is where this doctor works. Talk about intimidating and down right scary. It breaks my heart to think of such a fragile baby having to undergo such serious procedures. But, if that's what's needed, I am beyond grateful for modern medicine.



The following day, the 9th, I went to my monthly OB visit. He wasn't nearly as optimistic as the specialist was. I went in to the appointment with hope, and he kind of crushed that. He told me how serious the specialist's concerns were and asked if I would be willing to terminate. Seriously? We don't even know anything for certain and he's asking me that? I left feeling pretty deflated and in tears. Was I being naïve to have had hope?

Jordan had taken the day off so that he could help with Pyper since I was healing from the amnio and wasn't supposed to lift anything. It was nice being to able to come home to the two people who matter most to me in this world. I let out my frustrations with the doctor and my concerns and Jordan and I talked it through. We decided to hold on to hope. The specialist is the specialist for a reason- he talked us through everything and was never 'doom and gloom' like my OB was. We decided to listen to what the specialist told us- not what my OB implied.

So that's where we are at. Waiting. It's now been a week since this all happened and in some ways it feels like it's been a lot longer. We will hopefully get the amnio results back early next week, and on Wednesday I go to the cardiologist to look at her heart. Two weeks from today I go back to the specialist to check on her stomach, size, and head and to put all the pieces together- whatever that may mean.