McKenzie's Story

This is a story no parent should have to write but I'm doing it because our precious girl deserves to have her story told.

On January 8th Jordan, Pyper and I went to my 20 week ultrasound. Like most expecting parents we were so excited to see how baby girl and hoped and planned on her being perfectly healthy. That wasn't the news we received. The specialist saw several concerning abnormalities including a possible heart defect, an empty stomach, a cloverleaf shaped skull, and to top it off McKenzie measured two weeks behind. All of these put together made the doctor concerned about the possibility of a chromosomal abnormality. After several minutes of thinking and urgent prayers Jordan and I decided to have an amniocentesis performed. We figured this way, if there were a problem, we could be prepared for when McKenzie was born. An amniocentesis is when a needle is poked into the bag of water and amniotic fluid is drawn. This contains the baby's full genetic make up and is almost 100% accurate. We were to now wait two weeks for the results as well as an appointment with a cardiologist.

Those two weeks carried an immeasurable amount of emotions. We went from feeling hope for a healthy girl, to wondering if we would ever bring her home. There were so many prayers offered on our behalf- prayers for healing, prayers for peace and acceptance, prayers for patience. These prayers came from all different denominations and we felt the power behind them. Our family and friends fasted; so many people were on our side. It was a powerful and humbling experience.

The last few days of that two week wait were actually very calm. We felt like we would be bringing home a healthy baby girl in May- even if that was after medical procedures to get her healthy. The day of the ultrasound with the cardiologist was one I will never forget.

 The ultrasound was about 10 minutes long and the doctor never said a word. I wasn't going to ask questions as I didn't want to bother him or break his focus- he was checking on our baby's heart, after all. Pyper was with neighbors and so it was just Jordan and I anxiously waiting for some news. Was her heart ok? Was she going to need surgery at birth but would then be ok? The possibilities were so varied that all we could do was hold onto hope.

After he was done he got a diagram of a healthy heart and started explaining McKenzie's heart defects. Defects. Two. One would have been fixable. The other did not come with a possible treatment plan. He then explained that the specialist had our results from our amniocentesis and that he was waiting for us to walk over and get the results in person. Our hearts sank. We knew this wasn't good. The walk to the specialist's office was surreal. I know it was a beautiful, sunny day, but I could enjoy none of it. I heard birds chirping but I couldn't enjoy it.

We were taken to an office. Not an exam room. An office. Then the doctor came in with the results.

Trisomy 18. Incompatible with life.

Even now, two weeks after hearing those words I can't believe it. We were given two choices- deliver her now or carry her as long as her little, sick heart kept beating. I never in a million years thought I would contemplate delivering early. But I knew for my family's sake it was an option Jordan and I needed to explore.

There were more prayers, more fasting, a temple trip. Lots of tears, lots of discussions, lots of searching for a clear answer.

There is no right or wrong decision in a situation like this. It's different for every couple, every family. For us, we knew that the Lord was ok with having his little girl home now. She had come to earth and had received her body. We knew that we could let her go and that by doing so she would be made perfect and whole again. She had accomplished her task and, though her life was short, taught so many people about love and faith.

We decided to induce labor. I started making funeral arrangements while I was still pregnant. We picked out a casket while I felt my little girl moving. But we knew it was the right thing to do- for her, for us. Her kicks weren't getting stronger, and my belly wasn't getting bigger. Honestly, at times I hoped she made it to my induction date.

I asked for a photographer who would be willing to document the time we had left with our little girl. I can't believe how many people responded, and how blessed we were when everything fell in to place with Madison. She captured beautiful maternity photos. The teddy bear is Pyper's to keep- we call it Sissy's Bear. The ribbon color of Trisomy 18 is light blue- it's a theme we will keep alive with McKenzie. Here are a few photos-

My mom was able to get permission to come home from Mexico to be here for the birth. She, Katrina, Jordan and Madison were amazing. It was a long process, and I got cabin fever, but they kept me entertained. We laughed, we told stories, we talked about McKenzie, we cried. It was a beautiful experience and I think McKenzie would have wanted us to be happy while we waited to meet her. 

There is no 'normal' for how these situations go- but I really don't think it could have been any better. Jordan and I were surrounded with love. McKenzie was surrounded with love.

At 9:30pm on Friday January 30th, I delivered our sleeping angel McKenzie Ann Rainey. She weighed 11oz and was 9.5 inches long. 

It was tragically beautiful. The lights were low, and there was a peace that is truly indescribable. It was the most painful silence one can imagine when a baby is still born. There were no cries from her little mouth- only the tears from everyone who loves her so much. 

She was beautiful. She had the same nose as Pyper- it was the first thing I noticed. She had the same little 'dolly' lips as her as well. She had the most perfect feet. She did have some characteristics of a Trisomy 18 baby, but oh was she beautiful. She was given a little crocheted pink hat which is very similar to one Pyper has. It was perfect. Although she wasn't healthy and nothing on this earth could have made her so- she was perfect. 

On Tuesday, February 3rd we laid our angel to rest. She has a beautiful plot in baby land and is between her Papa and her Uncle Chuck.

It was a beautiful, simple service. There was a poem Jordan and I picked out and it reads:

I'm just a precious little one

who didn't make it there.

I went straight to be with Jesus,

but I'm waiting for you here.

Many dwelling here where I live,

waited years to enter in.

Struggled through a world of sorrow

a world marred with pain and sin.

Thank you for the life you gave me,

it was brief but don't complain.

I have all Heaven's Glory,

suffered none of earth's great pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me,

I'd have loved to bring it fame.

Butt if I'd lingered in earth's shadows,

I would have suffered just the same.

So sweet family- don't you sorrow.

Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.

I went straight to Jesus' arms 

from my loving Mother's womb.

-Author Unknown

As painful as this experience has been, and will always be, I can't not express my gratitude for a loving Heavenly Father who has been by our side every step of the way. The strength, the peace, the comfort we have felt can only come from Him and putting our faith in His plan. 

We will always miss McKenzie but we know that we will see her again one day. We will get to raise our baby girl, and Pyper will get to meet her little sister. We are a forever family. McKenzie is watching over us and is probably dancing right alongside Pyper. What a beautiful truth that is. What a blessing to have the knowledge of the Atonement- of knowing Christ has felt every pain and ache we have felt. To know that Heavenly Father gave His son so that we could return to live with him is a blessing I feel more personally than I have before. I have faith in this. I have felt too many quiet whisperings to ignore it. I know I'll always be her mommy, and though my arms ache to feel her again in this life, I know we will have a beautiful reunion one day. And I will never have to say goodbye again.

Until we meet again, sweet girl.

A special thank you to Madison from I Heart My Groom Photography for the maternity and birth photos and to Bonnie of Bonnie Jean Photography for the photos from the service. You have both given us priceless memories.