Pregnant Emotional Breakdown

This story is embarrassing, but too good to not document. So here goes-


Last Thursday morning I was in my Intro to Global Studies class, a religion class. The subject of grace came up. I go to a Baptist college and Baptists, like most (if not all) evangelicals believe that it is only through the grace of God that we are saved and that grace is a free gift to all who believe in Christ. So basically, all you have to do is welcome Christ into your life and you're good to go. While I respect their belief, it is not what I have been taught. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I firmly believe that it is after all that we can do that grace steps in and the power of the Atonement takes over to take care of the rest.

If only it would have been so easy to say that in class.

See, that morning, I wasn't feeling well. I couldn't tell you what was wrong, but I just felt 'off'.  I wasn't sick enough to stay home, so even though I was uneasy about going to school, I went. I really probably should have stayed home.

So the subject of grace comes up and students start a discussion. Some of them are confused. They know the 'textbook' answer to how we live with God again is grace only. But then they read in the Bible where it says "faith without works is dead," and they read the parable of the sewer. And they're confused. The Bible talks so much about the importance of good works- so how is that their denomination says that works don't matter?

So I'm sitting there listening and I knew it was the perfect opportunity to share my beliefs. I wasn't thinking it would shatter their worlds and they would want to know more about the LDS church, but I thought it could at least get them thinking and maybe hoping there was another answer out there that made more sense.

Then I made the mistake of raising my hand.

I know what I believe, and I really don't have an issue sharing my beliefs. Heck, I have given out a Book of Mormon while at CBU simply because I was willing to open my mouth and share a different opinion and faith. So what happened next had nothing to do with stage fright.

I start to talk, and it's going.... ok. Then my brain decides to shut off.  All of a sudden I can't think straight. I can't form thoughts, let alone translate those thoughts into coherent sentences! I start to apologize and say that I'm not feeling well and am having a brain fart, hoping my teacher would get the hint and move on. He didn't get the hint.

So I try to continue, try to get my thoughts together. But it's too late. I start to get flustered which always helps when you're brain shuts down. (I really hope you know that was sarcastic.) Shortly after I become flustered the feeling turns into embarrassment. Major embarrassment. Heck, I can't even articulate my own beliefs. After feeling enough embarrassment my hormones have had enough of this roller coaster and they decide to unload. Unload in the wet, teary way. Yeap, the tears sting at my eyes.  Well that only adds to the embarrassment and I apologize again to class as I start to cry by saying sorry and announcing that it must be because I'm pregnant.

Cue the 'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwsssssss''

Yea, because that really helps the embarrassment level...

So I cry for a while and because the teacher won't move on I'm still stammering and trying to make sense of it all... it didn't work so well. Surprise, surprise.

So the teacher tells me it's ok and mercifully moves on. For the last 15 minutes of class I sit there and cry silently... not really knowing why, and not able to stop. At all.  It. Was. Awful.

So class ends. I really want to pack up my things and run as far from the room as fast as I can. But no. I see the teacher making his way towards me... and a bunch of girls. They give me hugs and tell me if I need anything to let them know and their pregnant sister cries all the time and yada yada yada. I mean, it was nice, but please just let me go.

After they all leave my area, only my teacher is left. He asks if I'm alright and lets me know he'll be praying for me. Great. Right now I need all the prayers I can get... no matter what religion they are coming from.

Luckily I got to go home after that. What did I do when I got in the car with Jordan? I bawled. Bawled. It was an epic breakdown of pregnancy proportions. At least that is what I am blaming it on, because really, I just don't do that. And I cried most of the day, and I continued to feel sick that day.

Turns out I had a bladder infection that I fought through with no medicine. Thanks for all the issues you caused me, dang bladder infection.

So that's my story. I hope a minute portion of my embarrassment peeked through in my writing. It really was epic. Oh the joys of pregnancy.